3 Steps to Leading a Conversation - Part 2- Pacing

In part one we discussed matching, the essence of entering into the world of our audience.
The second part of leading a conversation is pacing.
I am a triathlete and during this journey, have run many races. I have had friends who were better runners than myself, offer to pace me during a marathon. The basic idea is for the better runner to slow their pace in order for me to hold my target goal pace exactly. My goal while running with my pacer is that I am pushed to not sink farther behind.  How is pacing a conversation different? In truth it is not, as good conversationalists we are going to slow our pace to the matched level of Bob (the gentlemen from part 1). Once we have genuinely matched Bob, we are now going to briefly jog along with him.
It might go something like this;

Bob - I was  relying on the bank to see it my way, and I am so torked that they throw that ridiculous "economy" BS whenever they feel like it. (said with less anger but frustration)
Me - You know how banks are they can and will use any excuse in the book. I think it is the only company on earth that doesn't understand customer service. Did he offer any suggestions?
Bob - No, he looked at me like I was lower than him and that really pissed me off.
Me- It sucks that you got that special gem today but you know that your a rock star when it comes to figuring things out.

 As you can see we did not spend a great deal of time pacing with Bob. When you match the audience you must have a plan to get out. You want to make sure Bob has the time to get his anger off his chest but as a good friend it is your job to support him. More times than never we will get angry over a situation and latter feel terrible over our perceived overreaction.
When you feel Bob has lowered his tone and has begun to pace along with you, it is time for Part 3 - Leading.

As with all things, matching, pacing and leading effectively is an art and with practice you will find that you can be seen as a great listener. 

When was the last time you felt terrible about your reaction? (Never, Sometimes, Always)
 If you want to teach your friends how to pace and develop an incredible support network pass this on.

Good friends grow with us. 

3 Steps to Leading a Conversation - Part 1- Matching

I said leading a conversation in the title, not dominating it. We need to be clear because I have not met anyone yet that likes to be bullied into a way of thinking. So for all pushy sales professionals out there...... sorry.

The first part of leading a conversation is Matching. When someone enters our world with us and attempts to feel how we are feeling there is an immediate connection. Great speakers and conversationalists do this without thinking. They match their audience and become part of their world building trust and acceptance into the tribe.
The first step is to match the tone, intensity, and general feeling of your audience and it might go something like this;

Bob - Can you believe that jerk at the bank, he does not understand what I am going through! (said with anger and intensity)
Me - What is wrong with him, if he only had a chance to feel one ounce of what you might be going through!(said with intensity and less anger)

Bob is not ready to come out of his state of anger but needs a companion to empathize and match his particular feelings. Even though we might not feel that way on a regular basis, we need to have our feelings confirmed before we can ever move on. Remember this is step one of a three step process so we are not ready to lead Bob from anger to a different way of thinking. Once you and Bob have been in the state together and you have open dialog about the jerk at the bank you are ready to move onto step 2 Pacing.
Stay tuned for the next part tomorrow.

How often do you feel you are not listened to (Constantly, Sometimes, Never)?
Leave a reply in the comment section.

Pass this onto your friends it might get them to start matching you!
Your friends are your friends because they get YOU

Excitement

Have you ever been so excited that the words flew from your mouth like great tasting throw-up? I have found that I do not throw-up on complete strangers (often), I tend to do it to my closest friends and family. Is this what makes them my friends? They have tasted it and thought "It's not so bad", similar to watching a train wreck."
What makes conversation so difficult in our most extreme times of excitement and anger? It has been proven that during these times, the area in your brain that controls thought turns off and our fight or flight response takes over. The military teaches soldiers to control the physical attributes to this response. You can use similar tactics to control an unfavorable response when you speak.
The next time you find yourself in this position you have to show control (take a deep breath) and think of one spot or place in your mind that no one else can touch, your happy place (thank you Adam Sandler I will be forever grateful).
If you like throwing-up when excited you may not need the trigger for excitement and your friends might miss it.

To Speak or Not To Speak

When was the last time you went out with friends, met with work associates or wrote content in your favorite social media port (yes this is a form of communication). Did you replay conversations in your head or think about what you said in Facebook after the encounter was over?
If we care this much, then why do we not take more time perfecting our craft?
We are given the ability to communicate at birth in one form or another. A baby will cry to gain the attention of the mother and we are all blessed that we grow out of this or at least some of us do. I could create a list of the top 100 ways to communicate and not scratch the surface.
Due to its ease and accessibility we take for granted the power of speech and the ability to communicate in various ways. If I was born with the gift of music, I would take time to hone my craft. Since I was born with the ability to talk and many of you know this to be true, then why don't we hone this craft?